life and lazy runs.

This afternoon I went for a run. I have gone on tons of runs over the years, and I particularly enjoy longer distances (not always, ha). Through training for half marathons/marathons you really begin to learn about your body while you are running; how to pace yourself, control your breathing, when to push yourself harder, etc.
But in running so much, there are many days I run what I like to call "lazy runs". A lazy run looks something like this - you start running at an easy pace and then you just get numb. You maintain your pace, never really exerting yourself too much, your heart rate my not even be that high, breathing is very controlled, and you go miles and miles without even knowing what you're thinking about. Just running.

Today I had a lazy run. I mean really, I could've been napping while I was running!
I was sweating, but mainly because it was just hot outside. I wasn't even sure what I was thinking about - definitely not my run or anything of importance.
Well about 4 miles into the run, I stopped by my brother's grave site because it is on the loop that I was doing.
And I ran over and sat down, staring at my brother's headstone, barely even out of breath, and it just hit me.
Wake up, Tana!
Enough! Life is way too short for lazy runs. Run with purpose. Be aware. Get sweaty. Lose your breath. Go faster. Try harder.

I sat there and thought about my life. How many times do I go through life running a lazy run? I go through the motions, get complacent, never pushing myself to try something new or different or difficult.
And the scary part is...we can mask over our numbness because it appears as though we are doing something. Today, I was physically out there running and moving...but really, what was I doing? A lot of nothing. Yet I felt good about myself because I appeared to be. For a moment, I fooled myself that my going, going had some value to it...when in fact, it did not.

Too often I believe we fall prey to this type of thinking in our daily lives. I know I do.

Life may seem easier if we go through it with the lazy run mindset. But what worth does that have?
I want to wake up. I want to live life with intention. I want to end my days breathless, not because I seemed to be active, but because I really was. I loved better. Served more. Challenged myself. Got my hands dirty in the good, bad, and ugly parts of this world.

So today...on that run, you better believe I ran the rest of the way as fast as my little legs could go.

That's it folks. Let's leave behind our lazy run days.
Yeah.

let's be real....

well, after about 20 minutes of failed attempts to get my HOUSE dvd to play (it's a pirated copy from the local market down the street) here i am, updating the blog.
yeah, as the title indicates, this is a post of honesty. ha. so no shame about the dvd i bought for 50 cents, right?

there has been a lot on my little heart and mind the past couple of weeks.
and i feel as though many things are changing.
so let me be real with you...

yes. there are many days/nights here i just want to be back home. i want to sit with my best friends eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. or i want to go buy a new dress and fix my hair and do my makeup. or sometimes i want to go on a date with a cute boy to a nice restaurant, eating fish tacos :), and laughing about dumb things. or i want to lay out on the beach, with a huge diet coke and a good book. or i want to go on a long bike ride with good friends on a nice, paved road. or i want to have themed parties at my house with fun music and cute decorations.
and many nights i just simply want community...to come home and process all the things i saw/heard/experienced in my day with someone else who really, really knows me and gets me.
because i'm human. i'm a normal 23 year old.

but here is the truth.

more than all of those things combined, i want to live a life of complete abandonment for my heavenly Father. i want to spend my life in an attempt to live out the gospel the best way i know how (as flawed as it may be). i want to love the unloved, and share hope with the hopeless. i want to experience moments of true joy, knowing that i am right where i'm supposed to be - no matter how unfamiliar or far from home it may be. i want to live for something beyond myself.

because at the end of my life, i don't think i'll be wishing for more fun parties, or new dresses, or fish tacos.

so yeah. things are good. i have a lot to be thankful for. i am happy to be right where i am.
that's it folks.
take it or leave it.

love yall.