camp!

Well people, i'm off for the week.
I leave tomorrow morning with Heart of the Bride to help with a summer camp in Machakos, Kenya.
We are having camp for a group of orphans...children who have never experienced anything like "summer camp".
I am so pumped!!
Really looking forward to a week filled with watoto!!

In typical Tana fashion, I have yet to pack. I reeeeeally hate packing (that's why im updating this, instead of packing).
There's a few things in life I'm really good at - collecting a lot of useless and/or tacky things (ehemm staci payne & 14 toothpaste tubes) and waiting till the last minute to pack for trips.
I am who I am.
This week while I'm away, I'll celebrate my halfway mark of living in Kenya!! To celebrate I made you all a video, but the power has been going out a lot so I haven't had time to upload it. I'll post it when I return. (Kenya is officially doing electricity rationing - no power for 3 days a week!)

So just a quick update tonight, but before I go...since I won't be around a computer tomorrow....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONICA!!!!
you're almost tweeeennttyyyyy!!!! oh wait...
ha. i love you mooch!!! parttyyy!!!!

i'm going here in a month-ish.

[just watching the first minute gets me excited]

or here...



same thing really.
The capital of Madagascar is "Tana". Don't believe me? Google it.

Why do we do the things we do?

Why do we go to grad school?
Why do we move to NYC or Colorado Springs or DC without a job?
Why do we quit a secure job for something else?
Why do we move homes, cities, states?
Why do we travel to Peru without knowing a single person?
Why do we uproot and start over?
Why do we move to Africa without friends/family/loved ones?

Is it because we long for adventure, excitement, the unknown? Is there something appealing about the uncertainty, the lack of clarity, the challenge of trying something completely unfamiliar?

Or are we just tired of our present circumstances? Tired of being alone? Tired of being surrounded? Tired of the routine?

Or are we led there, by something Greater than ourselves?

Seasons change.
People change. And as we change, we can't always stay where we are. And we can't always stay with who we are with. And we can't always do what we've been doing.
That's the beauty of change.
That's also the scary part of change.

But I believe deep down we all want a little bit of the unknown.
We long for our lives to tell a story like The Greatest Story. And to tell that story our lives must have love, and friendship, and hardship, and great sacrifice.
It's innate in us.

So I'm not sure how you would answer those questions, some of you may already have, or are currently trying to do that.
But my prayer is that we are just trying to be obedient. That we wouldn't be satisfied with where we are, but that we'd constantly be growing and changing, moving and leaving, and yes - sometimes staying. :)
That our lives would have lots of love and even lots of hardship.
I think maybe the better question is "Why DON'T we....[fill in the blank]?"

I'm slowly gaining a clearer picture of my answer to the last question.
Not so much why did I move to Africa, but rather why did God bring me here?
Sometimes He doesn't always show us the answer. Sometimes I think He whispers it, or lets us discover it on our own in due time. And sometimes, I think He yells the answer. Ha.

You are not the only one reading your story. And often times, other people need to read a story of love/growth/sacrifice to make some changes in their own story. Besides, who writes a story just for themselves? Boring.

I know a great Author. And I'm honored to go where He leads.
I want my life to tell His story.

The Lord never builds a bridge of faith except under the feet of the faith-filled traveller.
If He builds the bridge a rod ahead, it would not be a bridge of faith. That which is of sight is not of faith...

We sit and weep in vain. The voice of the Almighty said, “Up and onward forevermore.”
Let us move on and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way.
The path will open, as we progress, like the trail through the forest, or the Alpine pass, which discloses but a few rods of its length from any single point of view.
Press on!

However matters go, the worst will be a tired traveller and a joyful and sweet welcome home.

da nile.

They have cradled you in custom, they have primed you with their preaching.
They have soaked you in convention, through and through;
They have put you in a showcase; you're a credit to their teaching-
But don't you hear the Wild?-it's calling you.
Let us probe the silent places, let us seek what luck betide us;
Let us journey to a lonely land I know.
There's a whisper on the night-wind, there's a star agleam to guide us,
And the Wild is calling, calling...let us go.
-Robert Service

life.

a few stock images to describe life right now.
it's just more fun that way.
i'll leave the interpreting up to you.

the last one is my favorite, obviously.
going to uganda tomorrow. rafting the nile! see you guys next week!

-peeeeeperp

you put the color inside of my woorrrld.

we made 2 pots of coffee in the office before 10:00am.

cheers.

it's crunch time.
in case you didn't know, i've been working on a 20 min short film for the past (almost) 4 months. since I arrived in kenya.
good news - the rough cut is no longer rough! we basically have all the shots and cuts done.
now we are working on post production color, audio, scoring the music, etc.
i wish so badly i could show you what we're working on, but it's a very sensitive piece.
incredible story, but because of the nature of the project i can't talk about it publicly - for the safety of all the people involved.
but if you know me and would like information, i'd love to tell you about it.
the project will be distributed anonymously, so you'll never know. maybe i'm working for the CIA?

happy tuesday to yas.

love yall.

ps -i'm not working for the CIA, btw.

time and sand.

fulfillment: satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one's abilities or character

What brings you fulfillment? When do you feel most satisfied, most alive?
I've been thinking about this a lot recently.
Many days I just miss things from home, from America.

Some days I just want a pedicure. Or to get all dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant. To eat a bowl of "honey bunches of oats". To sit and sip a skinny hazelnut latte from starbucks. Or decorate my own apartment - purchase my very own furniture! (I haven't slept in a bed that was my own since graduating college) To buy new clothes from a nice store. Or to just drive somewhere in my car!
Im human. And I miss some of those "familiar comforts" that I had in America. (although, I never really got pedicures in America, but after spending months in Africa, these feet could use one! ha)

But when I sit and think about all of these pretty "silly" things, I realize none of them fulfill me. Sure, these things may bring a temporary happiness, but these things don't fulfill...they don't make me feel alive, and complete, and whole.
No, none of these things.

So I started thinking about those moments that do....the one's where I find fulfillment. The moments where I feel that joy that I was created for something more, for something eternal. It's the moments like...
Bargaining in the markets. Or running miles out in the open plains of Africa. Singing Christmas songs with orphans in the middle of July. Watching the sunrise while camping. Or seeing herds of zebra in the middle of the night. Riding in a van crammed with 21 people speeding down the highway. Or the silence of the frequent power outages. Being tackled by a group of young, kenyan girls. Or listening to high schoolers pray for the needs in their community.
It's in those moments that I find life.

And so I think about those other things, the things that I long for that I know don't fulfill. And I realize I can't go back. I'm not saying I'll never buy another drink from Starbucks, but rather the mentality of finding purpose and so much meaning in things that just don't matter.
I think of the Israelites, who longed for Egypt - the place of their enslavement - when the Lord promised them something better.
Things are changing, and I don't just mean material/physical things: my thoughts, my experiences, my worldview - and I don't think I can go back.
Or at least I pray I don't.

These moments, the ones that really give us joy and purpose - I believe they can make up our lifestyle.
But it's a choice. Am I willing to be a "fox without a hole" or a "bird without a nest"?

This post is a little vague. But I'm okay with that. I'll let you interpret it as you will.

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

monica masoi.

Masoi, my beautiful Compassion child!


She kept almost every letter I had ever written her...including the very first one almost 5 years ago!!
wow.

I am inspired by this wonderful young lady.
A full update to come.

kk

today is caleb's birthday.
he would have been 26 years old today.
crazy.
crazy how time passes. how years come and go, and so many things change. and how some things just don't.
I really do believe that no one ever dies too early or too late, even on days I don't "feel" that way, I still believe it. God knows. God knew the day Caleb would be born and the day he would die. so tonight we can rest in His perfect plan.
happy birthday kk!

I've been thinking of my brother a lot this week. No coincidence, I suppose. But that leads me to the story I promised.
(Sorry in advance for such a serious post. don't worry, I try and mix it up with the occasional laffy taffy joke.)
This past saturday I went into Kawangware slum and visited a small school. Well, I say small - the property was very small, but the school had about 400 students.

Anyways, the founder of the school, Moses, took us around and gave us a "tour" of all the different classrooms and introduced us to all the students. It really is such a special place...completely running on faith alone.
When we went into the high school class we were asked to share a little about ourselves. So I just gave a brief rundown about myself, blah, blah.
Then the students were allowed to ask questions. (here's where the story gets good)
After a few general questions, one of the boys asked "What has been the hardest challenge you have faced in your life?"

Well, I thought for a minute, I knew the answer, but was hesitant as to how much to share with these students.
So I answered honestly. And told them that losing my brother a few years ago was the hardest thing I had faced in my life.
And as I stood in front of this class of high schoolers, telling a small part of my story, I looked into their eyes and in that moment we really connected. No longer was I the white, American girl....no...in that moment we were equals.

Some of these students were orphans and many of them have faced unbelievable challenges in their lives, including losing those closest to them.
And as I stood there, sharing with them that some mornings the only thing that gets us out of bed is hope in something more- hope in a Savior that will one day make things right. That when everything in this world falls apart, we still have an anchor for our souls...a hope that never fails. I knew they knew.

I said, "I'm sure some of you have lost someone you love, maybe even a family member" and I looked straight in their eyes, some nodding, some bowing their heads, and we knew.
I have never lost someone from HIV/AIDS or watched a loved one die from starvation or seen some of the horrible violence they witness living in a slum. I do not claim to understand what some of these children have gone through, but I could share in their pain in a small way. And we could encourage each other and remind each other that although life brings difficult situations, God has a purpose and a plan.
I've never experienced anything like those few, precious moments.
Thousands of miles from home, in a completely different culture, God gave me the chance to relate to these Kenyans in a very special way.
And He showed me a small glimpse that yes, it's worth it. The loss that I have experienced, in a small way...it's all worth it.
To be able to better love someone who is completely different than me...it makes it worth it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely human, and am not sure if I will ever be able to say on earth that it's 100% worth it, because selfishly I just miss my brother...but wow.
I can see it now...it really is "gonna be worth it" one day.
Im thankful for what God has done in my life, the good and the "bad" and the person those things are shaping me into.

So where does that leave us folks? Well, I want to encourage you in your own life - to remember that God has crafted your story not only for you, but for others too. And take heart, He has overcome this world. :)

love you mom and dad, because I know you're reading this.

lomography.

photos inspired by 1980s lomography.
just random photos. just for fun.
concerning lomographic photography:
capture strange photos and to embody a Lomographers' statement of life being unpredictable curious adventure of "having fun while taking good photos"
interesting.


texas.

gainesville. [summer of dreams]

kenya.

st. augustine. [da bees]

colorado. [mooch's photo, flying over the city]

gainesville. [da bees, photo credit: lauren manche]

kenya. [kawangware slum]

kenya. [kawangware slum]

miami. [filming trip for senior project]

colorado. [garden of the gods]

boston. [brad and jamie's wedding]

tuesday inspiration.

if this song doesn't make you feel something, well then, i'd argue you don't have a heart. im only kidding. (kinda)
been listening to this song on repeat at work today.

i have a lot of good memories at the beach/surfing with caleb.
and this song makes me think of those times. :)

I've come to know that memories
Were the best things you ever had

on leaving.

today in our staff meeting we talked about telling a story.
i mean, that is what we are here to do.
My specific job here is a "missionary storyteller" - here to tell the stories of God at work in Africa.
But today we looked at our own lives - what kind of story is our life telling?
Think about it.

Donald Miller has written an entire book about your life telling a story - "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", which I really enjoyed reading.
But here is a quote from another one of his books, "Through Painted Deserts"

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back.
It is you who will have changed."
-Donald Miller



don't let fear rule your life - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty, fear of the monotony (because I believe yes, sometimes our life story involves the in and out, day to day, going to work and paying the bills) fear of the unfamiliar, fear of being too old, fear of being too young, fear of being alone, fear of _____________.....you fill in the blank.

next post, I have a story for you.
something that happened this weekend, that may have been the most special moment I have experienced here yet.
to be continued.... :)

another good saturday with the little ones.
i'll post more later.

i have a kitty now. and i'm probably about to watch HOUSE with the lil guy.
does that make me the "cat lady"??


yeehaw.
tana

teachable?

The day before I left for Kenya, I posted lyrics from this song.
And tonight, three months later, I am reminded of the call.
The call, not to make videos or fulfill certain duties...but to carry hope to hopeless eyes. to show the world that mercy is alive.
Perspective check.
It's pretty easy to listen to a song like that and make excuses. Excuses why our lives aren't doing more of that - more of the carrying hope, the abandoning all, the taking to the street.
But I find it a little more difficult here to make those excuses when slum children are begging for food, when women sit on the street corner all day waiting for work, when a man can work an entire day and earn wages equivalent to what I could spend for a small package of cheese or a bundle of grapes.
I don't know, really.
I think a lot of this comes from the recent news surrounding Kenya. There is a lot of conflict, a lot of hurting, a lot of desperate people. East Africa is experiencing the worst drought in 60 years, resulting in famine - affecting nearly 10 million people.
Thousands of people are fleeing into Kenya EVERY day in search of food. And Sudan is full of conflict as tomorrow the country will split into two new, different nations.
(some really good articles about things going on over here)

It's just very sobering to be right here, so close to so much devastation.
And what do I do about it?
I don't know. And I think if I had the answers to these questions, my blog would be much more popular! ha.
But I do think it's worth talking about.

Tomorrow I am going into a smaller slum in Nairobi.
We live in a broken world, and won't see completion until that Day comes.
I think it's our duty to simply be obedient to where God has put us in this world - in the classroom, in the slums, in our community, whatever.

Today I was thinking about plans. And how funny our plans are. I remember a long time ago making the declaration:
My new life plan: stop making life plans
But I mean, I was just reminded to be thankful. Here I am 23 years old, doing exactly what I had "planned" (better word "hoped") to do one day - a videographer in Africa. Things look a lot different than I planned, and the process to get here was WAY different than I ever would've dreamed up, but still - I'm here.
So for now, despite anything else, I will just rest in the fact that I am right where I'm supposed to be.

I'm certain He always leads us to the green pastures, no matter how hard the "getting there" is.

"Everything we experience that is good is just the fringes of God's joy. According to Scriptures, right now, not when you die, you are a citizen of Heaven. Obedience today, as difficult as it may seem, will not seem excessive on that day. It will be unbelievably worth it."
-Matt Chandler "Transitions"

Love you guys!

P.S. Where the crap did June go?
I only have 5 months left in Kenya. That's like 150 days, give or take. And 150 is basically 100 which is basically....okay, Im done. But if you know me (hmm Staci Payne) you know I think like that and its not good. Well, it has proven a useful way of thinking on many long road trips and long runs: By the time I hit 200 miles, I thought I was already home!! And a 10 mile run was basically a 6 miler, which is practically 3 miles, which is a piece of cake! ha! I'm weird.
some things never change, eh?
seeee yaaa.

make me an oak.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:3


[an OFM photo from 2008. not my own]