time and sand.

fulfillment: satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one's abilities or character

What brings you fulfillment? When do you feel most satisfied, most alive?
I've been thinking about this a lot recently.
Many days I just miss things from home, from America.

Some days I just want a pedicure. Or to get all dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant. To eat a bowl of "honey bunches of oats". To sit and sip a skinny hazelnut latte from starbucks. Or decorate my own apartment - purchase my very own furniture! (I haven't slept in a bed that was my own since graduating college) To buy new clothes from a nice store. Or to just drive somewhere in my car!
Im human. And I miss some of those "familiar comforts" that I had in America. (although, I never really got pedicures in America, but after spending months in Africa, these feet could use one! ha)

But when I sit and think about all of these pretty "silly" things, I realize none of them fulfill me. Sure, these things may bring a temporary happiness, but these things don't fulfill...they don't make me feel alive, and complete, and whole.
No, none of these things.

So I started thinking about those moments that do....the one's where I find fulfillment. The moments where I feel that joy that I was created for something more, for something eternal. It's the moments like...
Bargaining in the markets. Or running miles out in the open plains of Africa. Singing Christmas songs with orphans in the middle of July. Watching the sunrise while camping. Or seeing herds of zebra in the middle of the night. Riding in a van crammed with 21 people speeding down the highway. Or the silence of the frequent power outages. Being tackled by a group of young, kenyan girls. Or listening to high schoolers pray for the needs in their community.
It's in those moments that I find life.

And so I think about those other things, the things that I long for that I know don't fulfill. And I realize I can't go back. I'm not saying I'll never buy another drink from Starbucks, but rather the mentality of finding purpose and so much meaning in things that just don't matter.
I think of the Israelites, who longed for Egypt - the place of their enslavement - when the Lord promised them something better.
Things are changing, and I don't just mean material/physical things: my thoughts, my experiences, my worldview - and I don't think I can go back.
Or at least I pray I don't.

These moments, the ones that really give us joy and purpose - I believe they can make up our lifestyle.
But it's a choice. Am I willing to be a "fox without a hole" or a "bird without a nest"?

This post is a little vague. But I'm okay with that. I'll let you interpret it as you will.

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?